Space Truckers is a sci-fi comedy. It worms its way onto a few cult classic or underrated B-movie lists online, but at first glance, it’s hard to see how.
It holds a gloriously low 17% critical and 31% audience score on popular film site Rotten Tomatoes.
But it had a few things going for it.
It was the 8th movie directed by Stuart Gordon, an established cult creator who had had success as director (Re-Animator) and screenwriter (Honey, I Shrunk The Kids).
And it had the accomplished Dennis Hopper (Easy Rider, Blue Velvet) and Charles Dance (Game of Thrones, The Crown) in two of the leading roles.
And there was a $25 million budget, stretched farther by shooting in Ireland.
But in a glorious space crash, this movie never received a widespread theatrical release. It was shown the door and relegated to cable TV and home video.
So is Space Truckers a discarded gem or an excellent way to send $25 million up in smoke?
The Plot of Space Truckers:
On Neptune’s Moon Triton, mercenaries in run-of-the-mill space marine garb battle to hold the line against a mysterious cyborg warrior. Company CEO E. J. Saggs (Shane Rimmer) and scientist Dr. Nabel (Charles Dance) hide behind the forces.
After the cyborg wastes all the soldiers, Nabel deactivates it with a remote.
It’s explained that the cyborg is Nabel’s creation, and Saggs reveals his plans to unleash 5,000 of them on Earth.
Learning the cyborg is under his verbal command, and because he’s a world-class asshole, Saggs orders it to kill Nabel, keeping the invention a secret.
Meanwhile, we cut to John Canyon (Dennis Hopper), who is an experienced and proud independent trucker.
When he finishes hauling a load of square pigs (exactly like they sound) from Mars, Keller (George Wendt) refuses to pay him the full price because he’s two days late, but more likely because he’s an asshole too.
After a brawl with Keller and his goons, Canyon flees the scene in his rig.
He sets off with his new fiance, Cindy (Debi Mazar), who agrees to marry John in exchange for transport to Earth. Also along for the ride is rookie space trucker Mike (Stephen Dorff), who apparently has an incredibly high potential for driving space trucks and clearly has eyes for Cindy.
The trio agrees to transport a cargo load allegedly full of sex dolls (ewww) to Earth and take off.
Little do they know, their cargo is actually a shipload of Sagg’s cyborgs.
What’s Working Well:
Cowboy Truckerland of the Future
Space Truckers isn’t brilliant “lived-in” Sci-Fi like Alien or even Outland (which I reviewed here). Still, the production values are better than expected for a 1996 lower-budget movie.
Canyon’s rig, delightfully called a Pachyderm 2000, is lit up with flames on the sides. Rather than something sleek or aerodynamic, it’s a space semi of the future, like one you ripped off the highway today and strapped rocket engines on.
One or two effects, like Canyon pouring mustard on his hot dog in zero-G, look fake, but most keep the suspension of belief.
And when Canyon dines at The Hub, he steps into this movie’s cafe ‘80s (Back to the Future Part II), a time capsule for a honky-tonk restaurant of today. The waitresses dress like cowgirls, the jukebox bops a song about looking “purty,” and many truckers don Stetson-style hats.
It works because you feel the production team made self-aware choices. Rather than look great in certain moments but be unable to hide its shortcomings due to budget, the film always wraps itself in corny, plastic chic wrappings. So it keeps continuity.
And the costumes fit the aesthetic. Outfits look recycled as if resources are scattered and scarce in the future.
The androids, which look like the Tin Man mated with bugs, are a bit goofy. They sashay left and right in a funny dance walk while they stalk their prey. But their design doesn’t spoil the look of the film.
Hopper and Dance
Dennis Hopper’s line delivery and expression hits the tone of this film.
No matter the role, there’s a crassness to Hopper that bleeds through. And in this case, as one of the last independent truckers, it’s a fit for the stubborn Canyon.
Apparently Charles Dance took the role of Nabel/Macunado because he loved the idea of “playing silly material inherently straight.”, which is precisely what he does.
His performance reminds me of the venerable Frank Langella romping around as Skeletor in Masters of the Universe.
A deformed pervert, Macunado intimidates his victims while admiring the science of his threats.
Crisp Opening
The first 25 minutes of any movie is crucial. You have to suck in your audience and give them a reason to stay.
And right around that 25th-minute mark, a screenplay usually picks up the action with what you could call the inciting event.
You’ll deepen things later. But your characters are introduced, the plot is set in motion, and you’ve demonstrated the setting and tone.
Space Truckers does all these things well. The dialogue is sharp, and the characterization comes fast. Everyone’s motivation is clear; the love triangle between Canyon, Cindy, and Mike is established, and the plot thickener is riding in the cargo hold.
What’s Not Working Well:
Awkward Space Pirate Sex Capades
**Spoiler Alerts Ahead**
When the space pirates show up, the entire movie comes to a crashing halt. It takes an obnoxious detour that seems all about (sigh) penises.
I’m not above penis jokes. Austin Powers’s penis pump gag is funny, and There’s Something About Mary’s zipper accident is legend.
But this went on far too long and wasn’t funny.
Mr. Cutt (Vernon Wells) uses a cattle prod on Canyon’s groin. Macunado (also Charles Dance) threatens to cut Mike’s penis off with a saw.
Next, to save the crew from torture and death, Cindy agrees to have sex with Macunado.
This devolves into Macunado showing off his electric wang pulse, a pull-start device like a lawnmower for whatever member he has constructed down there that’s thankfully off-screen.
Mercifully, Cindy escapes.
But another problem is that it all feels like an excuse to keep Cindy, pretty much the only female in the movie, walking around in her bra for even longer.
We’d Kill You, But That Plot Armor is Just Too Much of a Pain to Cut Through
The androids kick everyone’s ass but seem on break when fighting Canyon, Cindy, and Mike.
In the film’s opening, just one android takes down a mercenary helicopter and a whole squad of mercenaries. Later on, they decimate the space pirates.
But when up against Canyon, Cindy, and Mike? It’s like they hesitate to kill.
And I didn’t find the combat with the main characters against the androids comical, suspenseful, or novel.
Ghostbusters works as a goofy comedy where ordinaries do battle with ghosts. Whether they’re guffawing at their creepiness or proclaiming one-liners after their defeats, there’s a chemistry between the men who dress like janitors up against the oddball monsters.
In Space Truckers, they missed the link.
Why Are We Ending on Stock Footage?
Call it a nitpick, but the final shot of the movie cuts to footage of an actual space shuttle blasting off, in black and white, no less.
You think it’s from necessity, as they probably couldn’t create the shot they needed. But it pulls you straight out of the movie.
There had to be a better solution.
On Second Thought, Let’s Not Go Space Truckin’
Space Truckers started on the right track but couldn’t deliver its payload.
You would bet on faulty production or bad acting to ruin this lower-budget film, but it couldn’t find the villains in this case.
Its setup was workable and held promise, and its production was good enough. But it brought in lackluster androids and penis-time pirates instead of exploring the world or focusing on potential themes, like the corporate greed it somewhat highlights. This took the film away from its strengths and plunged deeper into its weaknesses.
You could reimagine this movie. John Canyon and his fiance could hit the open (space) road while showing his new apprentice, Mike, the ropes.
They could try to deliver a shipment that will be enough to pay Cindy’s mom’s hospital bills while tangling with the corruption of the trucking companies. And they could face obstacles along the way, such as trouble with a more interesting form of space pirates.
Or, at the very least, they could have picked a cargo to cause havoc that was as interesting as the square pigs the film starts with.
So I’m sorry, Space Truckers, you deserve your place in the straight-to-video pile.
But I’m certainly tempted to try out some other Stuart Gordon movies.
So if you don’t want to take my word for it and try Space Truckers, you can watch it for free on Tubi TV or rent it from other streaming sites.
It is rated PG-13 and was directed by Stuart Gordon.
You can watch the trailer here.
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